It's Over

I don't want to say any further
But it's over between me and him
I gave him 2 choices
and he picked that

When everything is going so well
In 1 min
Just 1 min the whole ending could change
Just 1 min
People fall in and out of love in that 1 min
People were born in that 1 min
people died in that 1 min
But why?
I don't understand why me

No matter how paranoid I am
I trusted him
I trusted his words
trusted whatever he say
and this is what i get in the end
He was everything I wanted
and he seems so perfect for me
but maybe
just maybe
I am never suited for happiness
I always need to work fucking hard for it
and yet end up getting fucking hurt
because of that few moment of happiness
FUCK!

Why can't I just have something in life
that just go my way for once
and STOP HURTING ME FOR ONCE!
I HATE IT!
FUCKING HATE IT!
If i were to choose
can i pls have life that goes my way?
I don't mind being weak
I don't mind being nt as sharp as i am now
BUT
WHY CAN'T IT JUST GO MY WAY FOR THAT
FUCKING 1 TIME!!!!!
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO WORK HARD
TO GET SOME THING IN EXCHANGE!
I DON'T WANT IT THIS WAY!
I'VE WORKED FOR 11 YEARS
EVERY YEAR BOUND TO BE SOMETHING
WHEN THE FUCK WILL IT STOP!
please fucking go away...

please..

Just back from doc
Thanks dear!!!
So sorry :( end up u went home at this time
haha...

Anyway I know you guys are unhappy
Lay har told me U all look unhappy
and also asked her what i say to Ivy
Don't worry
I am not a back stabber
If u guys wanna know so badly?
Why don't you all come ask me?

Anyway I just told Ivy at the beginning of the lesson
That I FEEL(did not say i am) outcasted because i dunno anything
abt the things you all doing
and i am supposed to just stand and see
which i can't
I am not like some ppl
who don do their things
and yet get their marks
I'm sorry i cant be free loader
that's my policy
so i told her i will join them play game
if gt grp i will join her
The most get 0 for project

Thanks Ivy for letting me join your grp
I appreciate alot
u save me from getting a big fat egg

Anyway I know It's my fault for nt attending school
But I don see why u all have to cast me out like totally
I ask belinda abt the proj
she told me mon tell me
mon i sick
and on Tues i asked her
what do i need to do
she say no need we finished everything
den what should i do on that day
she say no need we distribute everything le
so i said,
basically i just do nth
and she replied yes.
This are all i told Ivy and it's the fact..
I told Ivy nth but the fact
I did not add in emotion so ya


So what am i supposed to say?
lol
this is nt abt initiative
It's abt u don bother telling me..
Even if I'm dominating or what to you guys
Also no need to shut me out from the project
by nt letting me know everything right?
Seriously I am trying to change
and I did try
No matter how unhappy i seem or argue
At last i relent by saying
ok fine
just do what u want
Because i see no pt in arguing
The most i can do is try to perfect the plan
as much as possible
But then that only priviledge of mine
is taken away
pls tell me what can i say?

And you guys talk abt the games like i
Don't exist
so again
what should i say?

shall stop here
bye

Was actually looking forward to school today
Because of the SPEC
But oh well
when i reached school i just realized
how naive i was.
Disappointment filled it
I asked Belinda whether the SPEC was cancelled
She say no
they don't care already
maybe Dorcas class ba -.-

I was like wth...
Sian half..
haiz
What for agreeing to something?
when the purpose is to put up a show?
Isn't that ridiculous?
and to think that I really really thought
I could use this opportunity to
strengthen the way I speak -.-

Oh well...
Putting that aside
I didn't went to school yesterday
I wanted to go to school for half day
just to take Ms Petrina's test
But my fever went up to as high as 38.2
So I went back to sleep and see a doctor in the late morning

I am now considering whether to have my tonsil remove
Because The doctor says that
My tonsil is very big
That's the reason why i always get sore throat
Follow by flu cough and fever
However
the doctor failed her job
I asked her whether i still can sing?
she ans every operation had it's risk
so what does that mean?
will i lose my voice?
and she didn't told me about the amount i have to pay
if i went for the operation

My throats hurt like hell now :(
I cannot even talk
and when i talk OMG!
I'm using a lot of effort
and when i swallow!
I rather die :(
I think i got throat infection
AHHH~

IT'S HURTING ME!!!!
stupid tonsil
why do u need to grow so big!
haiz....

Sometimes I just felt that
my dearest is sooo cute!!!
and If i were to see him
I will pinch him like hell!!!

LOL

We were smsing
when he asked

He: so you met our friend already? eaten already?
Me: no haven, I'm going out now
I'll eat with her after i meet her
He: Where you going to eat?
Me: airport
He: WOW!!! You go airport eat?
Why? Airport food very expensive de wor
You all wanna see the plane?
I laugh!!! I was like must i see the plane to go to
airport to have my dinner?
Me: LOL you make me laugh!
so ps people all looking at me now.
No la we going popeye to eat
and the airport is the nearest.
He: Funny meh? ok la..
Erm what is popeye? I never heard of it b4
Is it Popeye the sailor man!!!!
I laugh again!!!
This Bf of mine *shake head*
can be so mountain beetle at times!

LOL
alright shall stop here
will be seeing him later!
I couldn't wait!! >.<

I just woke up from my "nap"
Ok so the Spec(Speak Perfect English Campaign)
had literally started.
Which i think is a good thing
This will really help me to improve my speaking
wahaha

Ok had something on my mind which i want to share
Yes, Simplicity MAY be nice
BUT it doesn't work every single time
especially in projects..
if we were to be satisfied with simple things
Our marks will be in deep trouble.
anyway i am not directing this at anyone
nor any group members
i need to state this,
It's just that I just realised that
all my peeps
erm may be not all
will make do with simplicity
and when most of them don mind
I don think i am in the position to intervene anymore.

I guess I shall leave it to them
I don want to argue over this project
But yeah overall the result will show..
I am putting my marks at risk yes..
but what else can I do?

Like what I've learnt from ms Petrina
You cant find a perfect life in reality
So you just have to live with what u have
and be happy with it..

Of course I cant be happy about it
but yeah
maybe next time round i should find groupmates
who are willing to give it their all for projects
after all my aim is the high marks

I wouldn't dare to say that
i am determined to go to school
but I guess I found the problems to why i am always skipping school
and I swear I am working towards
on how to solve that problem.

either i get over it and be stronger and better
or i will always be stuck here!
Like i always say!
everything in life happens for a reason.

OK I know this is sooo soo off
I am suddenly motivated by some quotes
I was reading Don blog when i saw this

I may be walking slowly
But I will not walk back wards

And I am thinking am i walking backwards now?
by not attending school and stuff?
this really make me wonder
Why in the first place did i transfer to ite
If I am going to skip classes and stuff

Everyone has been telling me
it's such a waste for me to go to ite
some even say I'm stupid to give up studying a dip
BUT i was determined to go to ite early childhood
I want this to be my stepping stone
to being a child psychiatrist
I was so determined at that time

BUT what am i doing now?
why should I even enter this course
to skip classes when i can do that in poly?
I'm already walking backwards
to walk a longer journey
by giving up my dip course
and now I'm walking even further back..

I grumbled
sometimes i told myself that
Dorcas seems to dote on 1 person alot
Always giving chance to that person
and causing the rest of us being discouraged

But i woke up suddenly
She's right
that person is constantly proving herself
that she can be trusted and so on
what right have i to complain?
when all i do is skipped classes?
yeah
i am not offended
in fact she's right
Who would want to trust some one
who don come to school
and always giving attitude

I always thought that if she give me a chance we can prove that
we can do as well as her
LOL
i am such an idiot to think of that
WHY should she even give me a chance to prove?
when others are constantly proving themselves?

I seriously need to get out of this situation
i haven realised for years that
my biggest challenge is my laziness
it has been following me for 3 years
and in this 3 years
i find excuses to cover it up
seriously if i wanted to cont study in pol
I can
BUT i gave up saying it's not my type
what excuse can i give now?
LOL
I don't know now..
nvm i should stop typing all these
i am getting the nerves of everyone
always being emo

sometimes we can't expect life to be perfect
we can only take and live with what we have
and be happy about it..

ok this is so off
i am not making sense and bla bla bla...

BYE!

好今天心血来潮
我打算用华语来blog
哈哈!
会看的很好
不会看的good luck

今天上学
Petrina 问我为何这几天没上学?
我: 在家
她叫我出去和我谈了一番
她问我发生什么事?
我告诉她我没有动力上学
她: 你不是要为了钱而发愤图强吗?
我: 有时候不是因为钱你就会满意就会有动力的.
她:对!我同意。那是什么原因呢？
我： 我厌倦现在的生活
厌倦环境厌倦我们班的人
似乎让我感到很累
而且没有一个让我想上学的朋友。
哈哈？好傻吧？竟然给这种烂理由！
可是我真的以为那是原因！
她： 我觉得你上学不因该是为了
这些琐碎的原因影响你
动力是靠自己赚来的。
你因该为你想要的目标奋斗
在现实生活中
没有所谓的完美生活
事情不会为你而改变
你只能够珍惜现在有的
尝试为现在拥有的活得开心点。。。
我：本来我奋斗的原因
是因为我想成为儿科心理学家
可是我的英文那么烂
根本不能和我们班的一些人比较
她：如果你为了和他们比较
而放气太不值得了
你应该想尽办法
让自己的能力更上一辰
而不是和别人做比较。
你想一想吧
不过暂时先别翘课过了紧要关头才用
假期认真的想想
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
放学和Dorcas一起说闲话
不知怎么的
聊啊聊突然说到我的优缺点
她：Avier 的优点是吸收能力很强
学习很快不过缺点是太容易生气了
我认同！ 不过太容易生气不足以让我失败！
让我失败的是我懒
懒得无药可救！
懒得我把不上学的原因怪在环境与朋友上
还说什么和其他人比
感到失落！ 胡说！
dorcas 说得对 一个能拿到讲学经的人
为什么会做不到呢?
我一直都在找借口
善韵！ 你醒醒吧！
你有什么没经历过？
你不是在舒适环境成长的人
为了这种小事你要放弃？
最恶劣的环境你都经历过了
当时的你不是一样没朋友吗？
当时的你不是比现在痛苦百倍吗?
为何当时的你能咬紧牙关忍
慢慢变得更坚强？
而现在为了一个你根本不在乎的事放弃？
说穿了就是懒！
才找出那些垃圾理由让自己好过对吗？
善韵！
你自己最清楚
自己的个性！
那么多艰难的路你走过了
你真的要让懒惰两个字毁了前途？

我不知道
我也不想说我下定决心要改过
因为说而不做我最厉害
可是我不会在怪说
太多马来人我不喜欢
或者我比别人差使我放气读书
因为太肤浅了
如果真的因为这原因
郭善韵！ 你那艰难的十八年白熬了！

Random thoughts again

It's been a long time since I literally
start thinking
Seriously I'm jealous
jealous of so many ppl
Annie, Cy, Shermain, Belinda and Don

All of them have something in common
that I don't have
a motivation to go to school
I know it's not a big deal
BUT it is to me.
I mean hey?
It's such a simple thing
going to school
but why do i find it hard to do so?

I keep telling myself
keep writing in blog
that i will work hard
i will go to school
i will study hard
BULLSHIT!!!!!
on National day eve
Ms Dorcas asked
i thought u say u wanna come to school
and not skip classes anymore

I told her I tried
but still i can't
nvm i shall try again another time
But deep down I'm lying to myself
SERIOUSLY I TRIED!
But i cant get through 1 month without
being absent from school
and whennever i say it's ok
try again next week
I am just running away from it.

I remembered she once told us abt something
like if u wanna do it u can
don't complain
and now i am really thinking
is that what i want?
If i really want it
den why am i not doing it?
If i really tried
Shouldn't I be in school?

Belinda said even cy can
why i can't
and i really cant understand too
some times i wonder
why i couldn't get the motivation to go to school?
I mean i don dread school
but i seriously Don't love school either
sometimes I just feel so out of place
and so tired
i really dunno
the moment i wake up i have the thoughts of not going to school
every single day without fail
in fact even b4 i sleep i wonder whether
i should attend school the next day

一睡醒
我就会觉得好累
根本没力气想上学
天使告诉我
我不是下定决心要上学了吗?
恶魔却挑拨离间
累了就睡吧
少上一天课不会死.
就这样他们大战了一会儿
幸运了话
天使就赢了
要不然你就会看到我
不在学校...

I really really dunno what to do
I know my capabilities
My attendance is going to kill me
really...
if i don study
but i go to school everyday
i can still pass well
but if i don understand anything
I'm out of the game...
yes i know
I know it soo soo well
but so?
at the end of the day
I'm not in the school
I really don know what to do
or think
So i shall not say i will be determined to go to school
because i only know how to say
but no action or result seen
i dunno...
we'll see as days goes by..

I'm so sorry that this post is so
emo
but i guess today is just some emo day

whatever!
bye

OK..
Have been asked to update.
But seriously I'm too lazy
and tired.. =.=

Anyway firstly I would like to apologise
Because i have NOT bee attending SCC
and Jia Yi song..
I haven been touching it!
I'm so sorry
cos I've been rather busy...

And Jia Yi!
I haven forgot abt u!
I swear!!!
Just that I've been busy with projects..

Anyway
last Fri was National Day eve
We sort of had a mini celebration
for national day
we need to feel the atmosphere
and experience the process of planning
activities for the children.


So the organisers have these gammy awards
and guess what?
I am the nominees of Queen of sarcasm and Most kechou (noisy)
And i won the
.
.
.
.
.
V

QUEEN OF SARCASM

I was like SHOCK!!!
Now den I realised that people actually thinks
that I'm sarcastic
which I don't realise -.-
sad :(



Anyway I got my result for the projects and tests
I got 72.65
convert to 40% will be 29
that mean in order to get an A
I have to get 85 and above for
my exams :(

I don't have the confidence wor..
LOL
But nonetheless I will try!!!

加油!
善韵!!! 你行的!!!

ALL i have now is BAD NEWS!!!
I'm DEVASTATED!
T.T
I wanna cry!

Firstly i received a news saying that
Thursday lesson will also end at 4
great
first was Wednesday
but I'm fine with it since we start 1 hour later then usual
now even Thursday timetable
had been change
and it is SOOO much worst!!!
8-9 lesson
9-10 break
10-12 lesson
12-1 break
1-4 lesson
-.-
this totally sucks!

Whatever!
never mind I told myself i would try to bear with it
Something depressing have to happen!
my project presentation!
FUCK!!!!
The video cant work!
what nonsense is that!!!!
I was so proud!
our group are the most well prepared group
because by Tuesday almost everything had been settled
while others are still rushing!
and end up
we are the most screwed up team!

My effort gone had gone to waste!
I took so many video
chose the best out of all
all these effort gone down the drain
some told me
Ms Dorcas is still giving the marks for media
yes..
But let say it's /10
and if the video work we can get 8
now we can only get 5!
and with the video
it's so much better!!!

after that everything behind is screwed!

I can't help feeling depressed!
Maybe because we finished much earlier then the
datelines we gave to ms Dorcas
we started to relax
I should have looked into the
slides and everything
I shouldn't take everything too light heartedly.
It's all my fault!
FUCK!

我学会了一件事
凡是都要在三地
反复地检查一遍
有信心固然是一件好事
不过要适可而尺
要不然吃亏的
还是自己

lesson learn..
haiz
Now all i can do is learned from it and
not make the same mistake all over again..

OK did some reflecting today
and somehow i feel that
today's ms Dorcas lesson
all like referring to me
lol
but oh well it's true
so i shan't complain

i really have to try to speak in a calm tone
-.-
otherwise once I'm excited
people thinks that I'm angry
which is not a very good thing i guess

Suddenly I have Soo many things to change-.-
need to change the way i speak
the way i control m temper
and the way i talk
whoa!
tough!!!
But never mind that!
I think i can do it.

OH!
I need to change the way i think too..
Have been giving myself
undue stress.
I will try my very best to not think too much :)

met up with haiming just now
again..
and well we don really interact much
lol
but what matter is we spend time together
haha
waiting for him to get home
so he can call me ..
I'm tired..

so shan't type anymore...
TATA!

Just came back home from meeting haiming
I'm so tired!
after all the videoing session and everything
still have to meet him
But it's a pleasure meeting him :)
I haven met him since last week
Because he's ill
haha!
Missed him SOOO SOOO much...
Well i cant get used to his hair
BUT i think i will get use soon :)

好累好累
真希望一切快点结束.
我要换组!
这次我一定要放大眼睛
寻找队友!
加油 !!!!

It's 12.10 am now
I tossed and turned but couldn't get to sleep
maybe that's what they say stress?
lol
even though i don't have any idea
what I'm stressed about
but oh well.

Anyway I've made up my mind!
I want to try to speak good english
SO I am getting rid of all the
li la lei lor sia!
And I will try to form sentence in full instead of
short form.

I have been reflecting for the past few days
and i need to apologise to all
because of my bad temper
recently I have been flaring over the slightest things
And i think I finally know what's the
reason behind it
Perhaps It's the medication i take
It has it side effect
and this is one of it...
Mood swing...

So to those I flared
and those i will flared in future
I'm sorry
I will try to control myself I promised!
but no guarantee..
haha

我突然发现
马来人真的好懒!!!
当然不是全部
不过我的组的人
真的是cmi
一切都由我和belin在做
要不是记得老师
说过的做多一点
有winwin situation
我才懒得做呢！
靠人不如靠自己
如果交给他们
一定搞得一塌糊涂！
算了当作买个教训吧
下次我一定要好好的选择我的队友。。
不说了。。

that's all..
I'll be stopping here
need to get some sleep otherwise
tml I'll be a panda.
-.-